LEARN TO SAY "NO"

Personal Development

Well mind

Quit saying "YES" instead of "NO" just to please others

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There are instances in your life when others offer you opportunities or ask you to do something for them and you feel bad or not ready about it. You may, however, answer YES when you truly meant to say NO...

Written by CHARLENE MIND'E F.

Plce of publication : Kigali Rwanda

Read Time: 10 minutes

                      

                           Now is the time to make a change!

I could never have anticipated feeling so grateful to all the people who were able to deny my proposals at any point in my life. Because of them, I was able to do it on my own today. Gratitude! ,said Didier Honore ,during our conversation.

How often have you been in circumstances where you afterward regretted agreeing to something you didn't want to? It could be a dinner invitation, a visit, a service to your coworkers, a class project, or even another duty for your boss. Situations like these are common. So, if these facts make you feel lousy today, know that you are not alone! 

This article will assist you in determining the cause of your blockage and recommend some tips to help you overcome your anxieties about declaring your Negation.

 Why is it so hard to say NO?

It's not normally easy to turn down someone's suggestion just like that, especially when He/She is familiar to you. But saying YES when you don't mean it isn't easy either. When we have a strong desire to say NO yet fail to follow through on our commitment, could be due to one of the three significant fears listed below:

1. Fear of rejection

Most of the time, we feel that if "I decline to help someone do this or that, the person would get estranged from us. If I refuse to comply with his/her wishes, our relationship will fade away." This may be a situation for instance, where you've been invited to a party by your friends yet you have other duties to accomplish or simply you want to spend time with your family, or even you don't just want to be there at all. As a result, you feel obligated to accept the proposition even though you do not want to.

It is true that we all need to be integrated into the group in order to grow and feel better in our environment. However, before complying, it is vital to consider the cost of this condition, because we all have a price to pay. Note that the ultimate rejection is having others think negatively of me. It makes no difference to me whether they express what they think of me aloud or not. It's the thought that they look down on me that bothers me.

2. Fear of disappointing others

We all have a part of us that strives to satisfy others all of the time. The pleasure of being seen as the best instructor, ideal wife, cool friend, most generous man, greatest father, or even a courageous worker. The circumstance of constantly playing superheroes while on duty. As a result, we believe that saying NO will cause us to lose our wonderful image and lead to disappointment.

This kind of people should realize that what makes a person great is their willingness to love others, be humble, and grow as a person, not their appearance or exploits.

3. Fear of regret

When we say NO and things go wrong later, we are certain to feel guilty and regret our decision. Our intentions, however, were not ill-intentioned. This could be one of the factors that motivate people to say things they don't want to say in order to avoid the burden of a heavy conscience. We have no need to feel sorry about anything for which we are not responsible. Especially that regret is a lesson, not an option. Because everything has a good reason to be, whether we approve of it or not.

What is the benefit of saying NO when we really mean it?

Saying NO, to a request that displeases you, means affirming your supreme well-being although your counterpart may misinterpret it. Understand that, declining a proposal does not imply rejecting or dismissing the person. Many individuals get these two expressions mixed up. Know that you are totally responsible for what you think of yourself, rather than what others think of you. This will make you feel a lot better in this situation.

SAYING NO rather than YES is advantageous for a variety of reasons. Among them are:

a.  Build your Self-confidence

When we say No to unfavorable proposals, we not only feel relieved towards ourselves, but we also confirm our identity as such, as well as our values, wishes, and will,  our freedom and happiness in life. We appreciate our personal lives and are sensitive to our feelings. This could lead to a high sense of self-worth and self-assurance.

b. Helping others grow

It's not always to harm when you say no to someone's proposition. On the contrary, if we carefully assess the issue, it may be really advantageous to those whom we have declined to assist or accompany. This allows the person to grow significantly by teaching him that things do not always turn out the way we expect them to. Above all, the person learns to do things on his or her own the following time, rather than relying on others. This will enable him to build a new and strong character through viewing life from a more pragmatic rather than a utopian perspective.

c. Ability to say YES 

 How can we say Yes to something or someone if we don't know how to say No first? You build a sense of affirmation towards things when you learn to appreciate rejection over something you don't desire. It helps you develop a sense of affirmation towards the things that interest you most and that are important to you. This will allow you to set limits on many things in your life and to understand your priorities.

d. Healthy

Health always comes first in life. Because if your body isn't in good shape, you won't be able to accomplish your tasks correctly. To put it another way, excellent health is our passport to a happier and more serene existence. When we say YES instead of NO to things we don't normally want, our bodies send us signals of dissatisfaction. We have the sensation of being stressed, depressed, guilty, nervous or even angry towards ourselves. You can't be able to do everything all of the time. Consider what would happen if you took everything that was provided to you. You will exhaust your body and become an overworked victim. When you say no, though, you free up time for yourself.

e.It limits regrets 

"You're just good for nothing!" A well-known phrase that no one enjoys having directed towards them. When you agree to do something you don't want to do, there's a good chance you won't perform it properly, or it may go wrong. Eventually, everything we do under the influence of our emotions invariably turns out badly. As a result, if we accept those suggestions, we risk not honoring our pledges or performing poorly. Consequences might be painful, such as remorse for not being able to complete the task the way you planned. Alternatively, you risk losing as well the confidence of the person who hired you. Then later, you feel bad about saying yes, and you wish you had had the courage to say no from the start. However, if you say NO instead of Yes, you will not only avoid the consciousness of not knowing what to do, but you will also avoid the breakdown of your relationship with yourself and others.

 As stated by  David Laroche, a personal development coach: "When you agree to do things you don't want, you lose three major values: yourself, the relationship, and the other."

 

What happens if I'm unable to say no?

The consequences of not being able to deny a suggestion when we don't really feel it are multiple. The victim would face several troubles, especially at the social and mental level, such as:

• Lack of self-confidence. A situation where one always feels diminished, of not being able to defend one's props and personal well-being. 

• Not knowing how to make decisions for almost all the circumstances of our life. We are often the victim of doubts in us, which creates this feeling of instability.

• Stress and depression always go together in this condition. We always present fear and anxiety in us, to the point of never controlling ourselves in many situations. Even the most minimal to overcome.

• Complexity. The person always has the feeling of inferiority towards others, because they are unable to have acted with total confidence on what is necessary to enjoy their life.

• As seen above, this could also affect our relationships with ourselves and others.

• Not being able to perform one's own personal tasks which could be very important.

• Disappointment. When you devote a large portion of your time to other people's labor, you will eventually wind up with nothing. And you'll notice that everyone is too preoccupied with their own affairs to come to your aid when you need them in return. When you find yourself in such a scenario, you start complaining of dismay, that no one is helping you despite the fact that you have done everything for them. You can, however, set certain boundaries. It's all backward. Other folks are awake while you sleep. So keep your eyes peeled.

  How to say NO?

Saying No is one thing. But feeling comfortable in your body after saying it is another. I have always thought that accepting yourself and having fun is not synonymous with selfishness, but rather self-esteem and self-confidence. Either way, people should understand that we can't make others happy unless we start with ourselves. This will help you give meaning to your life while respecting that of others.

Here are 6 tips that will help you break your fears of saying NO:

1. Don't think or behave for the sake of others.

One of the reasons we don't say NO when we truly want to is because we convince ourselves in our minds that the other person will think we're selfish, narcissistic, or rude. Furthermore, we can believe that the person will fail as a result of our actions, that H/she will be upset, or that your relationship will end. As a result, we hurry to project what will happen after the event has occurred. Yet This isn't always true. By limiting our desires, we miss out on the pleasure of making our own choices. And this poisons our minds, causing us to suffer much more internally. Whenever possible, avoid these types of reactions.

2. Recognize the cost of refusing to say no.

Any time we do not affirm our negation, we risk the above-mentioned repercussions. So, if you want to learn how to say No, start by making a list of everything you can lose if you accept something you don't want. This will assist you in limiting the extent of the damage.

3. Make yourself the first option.

On this planet, we all have a finite amount of time. Our minutes, hours, and seconds run all the same. As a result, we should learn to put our interests ahead of our concerns for any purpose. This isn't egotism, but rather certainty. Helping oneself to improve does not imply that you disregard the welfare of others. Because accepting Her/his proposal, when I don't desire it doesn't help him/her either. On the contrary, it destroys us both. Taking too much care of other people's business reduces the time you spend with yourself. Not choosing us is already an act of abandonment towards ourselves.

4. Practice 

Begin by saying NO to small things that can undermine your wellbeing, especially to yourself. Because if you accomplish this personal challenge, nothing will stop you from completing it with others. The trick is to prioritize your health. Just keep in mind that it isn't about ego.

5. Don't feel compelled to explain yourself.

It is not always necessary to add the BECAUSE to your NO. Avoid making oneself responsible for what may occur later. This is a sign of weakness and a lack of intimacy. Because having to explain yourself after saying No would reduce your comfort and strength in the eyes of your counterpart. As a result, it may even sound incredible, even when you may be right.

6. Be disciplined 

It's true that when we say NO clearly and strickly, people may misinterpret us. This may be related to the manner in which it was addressed. Let us first recognize that refusing a proposal is an act that is perceived differently depending on the individual. So,by properly addressing oneself, it may be the best technique to lessen the damage. Because saying no should not be done in an aggressive manner, but rather in an integral and descent approach. Just because we put our own interests ahead of others' does not mean we should disregard their feelings. We should always use TACT!

Click on the link below to discover the 10 best ways to politely say NO without harming others : 

https://www.indiatoday.in/education-today/grammar-vocabulary/story/10-ways-to-politely-say-no-1505465-2019-04-19

Spec-Tacular Mind opinion

When it comes to saying NO, keep these four things in mind: 

• Don't excuse yourself after you've said it.

. Don't make advanced commitments just to escape the embarrassing situation: "Not this time, but I promise next time!" These kinds of promises should be avoided. You will gradually learn to say no, and it will become simpler for you to decline more delicate situations. As Paulo Coelho writes in The Alchemist, "never promise to give someone what you don't have yet because it will reduce your desire to have it."

• Do not rush to say No. Think first before acting by weighing the pros and cons. Your decision will always come from your necessity and priority in your life. Ask yourself these questions: What will be the consequences if I say YES instead of NO? What do we both gain? Is my YES worth it?

• Don't lie. Lying will almost certainly result in guilt, which is exactly what you're wanting to avoid.

This clip video is meant for people who have difficulty saying NO when they want to /By Jordan Peterson _clinical psychologist, YouTube personality, author, and professor at the University of  Alberta.

To grasp everything, remember that you don't say NO to the other person, but rather to his/her request. It simply indicates that what is being given to me does not match my preferences. As a result, saying NO helps others understand what is essential to you. By expressing Yes to what I want and NO to what I don't want, I send a signal to the universe about what I want in my life. I've learned that living your life based on other people's approval can never make you feel truly free and happy.

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***Question of the day***

What did you do to break down your fear of saying NO to things you didn't agree on?? Share with us your experience and know-how in the comments